I'm currently living in cold, beautiful Alaska! This place is so gorgeous, and I feel so blessed to get to spend these six months here. I'm studying midwifery with a missions-focused midwifery school, and I'm learning so much. I came here thinking I would go to this school and then go through an apprenticeship, but I've been thinking about going to nursing school and becoming a nurse midwife instead. This crazy life has taken me so many cool places, and I'm excited to see where I go next. In this time, God is teaching me so many new things. You know when you think you have life pretty much figured out, and then you're put in a new setting and WHAM... you learn you do not actually know how to "life." I pretty much thought I was a drama-free, normal person... nope. I've got so much drama. Here are just a handful of the important things I've been learning about myself:
- I tend to run away from emotions
- Whether these are my own emotions or others' emotions, I just do not know what to do with them. I first noticed this when one of my friends here was crying (for a very valid reason), and the only thing I knew to do was to go on a walk alone. I've recognized this tendency to run from emotions, so at least I can start working on it. I still want to run, but I can make slow progress from here.
- Needles give me more anxiety than I imagined
- We had a random day where we took blood glucose tests, and I started getting super anxious and crying. I had no idea where this weird fear came from. I've had shots and blood draws, and I haven't felt anxiety like that before. I started thinking back to times in my life when I had been around needles, though.Once, when I was in middle school, I had some sort of brain scan done. I had to wear a cap with weird probes all over it. The probes looked like needles and poked at my head. In my mind, I thought for sure they had put needles into my head, and I think the fear started there. Since then, I have despised needles, but I have never been as anxious as I was in that class. The unexpectedness of the needle may have caught me off guard, or maybe I was anxious since we are practicing on each other without experience. Whatever the case, my mom shed some light on this whole needle anxiety. She said I would be able to empathize with patients who also have needle anxiety and tell them about my experiences. Hopefully I can appreciate this anxiety some day.
- Running hills invigorates me
- I do not have my gorgeous mountains to climb here, and I'm really missing them. There are beautiful mountains to look at across Kachemak Bay, but there are no trails going up or through them... plus they're across a large bay. I've been trying to keep up some physical activity, so I won't be so far behind when I get back to Colorado and want to climb 14ers. I've been running hills to try and accomplish this, and I stinkin' love it. I guess I do not actually love them. I kind of hate them. It is a weird love. Like the feeling of accomplishment makes me love them. I had the goal of running all the way up West Hill before I left Alaska, and I'm only about 1/4 a mile away from this goal. I'm thinkng I could even accomplish it this week. Hopefully I'll be ready to hike those beautiful Rockies when I get home.
- Apologies are often necessary
- I cannot even remember how may times I have had to apologize since I've been here. I've also had times I should have probably apologized, but didn't. I've written grouchy e-mails in frustration from the lack of organization in this program. I have reacted instead of responding. I have made weird faces at speakers. I have told people I did not like their compliments. I have shot things down before attempting to understand them. Apology after apology after apology. Let's just say I'm getting humbled as I'm finding I have many more flaws than I previously thought.
- It's not okay to grouch at people who do not meet your cleanliness standards
- Philippians tells us to do all things without grumbling or complaining. I've had to change my attitude so many times in that complaining aspect. I struggle with wanting to control things. This manifests itself most in my physical environment. I want my bed made. I want a clean floor. I want the dishes done. I don't want clutter. I don't want food left in the food stopper or hair left in the shower drain. I want, I want, I want. It sounds pretty selfish, huh? Every time I live in community, I have to lay down my selfish ambitions. I have to choose to live in joy. This means if I want the floors clean, I should sweep them joyfully. If I sweep while complaining, I'm only doing myself a disservice. If I grouch at my housemates, I only sew discord. I'm learning that if something is dirty, I need to either clean it with a grateful heart or let it go and embrace the mess. After all, this life is one big, beautiful mess.
- Getting defensive only makes the situation worse
- This has been an issue for me. I want to be right. I have a drive to "win." This means I want to "win" arguments. Often, the person I'm competing against only wants a civil conversation and has no desire to have an argument or to win. I have been working on understanding my friends' viewpoints instead of getting defensive. It's been a little comical just how defensive I have become. One night, I got into a heated conversation about race and ended up telling my friends "Okay, I'm racist. I'm racist and I do not care." Whoa, Tiffany! Do I actually think I'm racist? No. I let my defensiveness get me deep into a conversation I did not even want to be in. I'm practicing the "smile and wave" technique for next time a heated conversation arises.
- Uplifting words are gold
- GOLD! I have felt so honored by the uplifting words I have received since I have been here. From grace when I apologize to prophetic words to encouragement when I'm down. The people surrounding me fill my tank to full daily. I was told just the other day that God says I'm a breath of fresh air. I was told that I add a lot to the classes. Someone encouraged me to study to become a doctor because of the brain God has given me. Another person told me I am filled with joy. I was told God says I'm worthy of the call God has placed on my life to go into the nations.These words are treasures.
- Relationships are more important than grades
- There's a little story with this one. You see, the founder of the GoMidwife program is this super rockin', hard-working guy named Derek. He created the curriculum, grades all our homework, makes our quizzes, heads up the science and technology department for University of the Nations, fathers his three boys, is a husband to a beautiful wife, and much more. Needless to say, the guy has a lot on his plate. I used to send him an e-mail every time I found one little mistake in the curriculum or if I felt I unfairly lost points on a quiz. The reality? I have really good grades. All the correcting and questioning was only giving Derek unnecessary work and adding to his already overflowing load. I recently decided to be content with the work and the grades unless something major is wrong.I am learning to love people more than grades.
- I actually enjoy one-on-ones
- Before meeting Kylee, I had the worst view of one-on-ones. I thought of them as forced friendships. It felt like I had to find "problems" even if I didn't feel like I had any. In the past, I had this conception that during a one-on-one I was supposed to talk about all the things wrong in my life. Kylee has made it so much easier than that. I don't feel any pressure to make up problems to talk about or talk about super deep things. Our last one-on-one we got a large fry from McDonald's and ate it in her warm car while watching the ocean waves and just talking about fun things. It was PERFECT! If this is what one-on-ones are supposed to be, I am forever pro one-on-ones.
- Midwifery encompasses so much more than catching babies
- Furthering the Kingdom of God can be done in so many different ways. Developing nations need so much more than baby catchers. As midwives, we can help families with nutrition, clean water, counseling, friendship, newborn care, family planning, women's health issues, etc. We get to help develop communities by coming alongside the community and helping the people to help themselves. Most important? WE GET TO SHARE JESUS! I do not need to wait until I am in a developing nation to share Him with others, either. I get to do it here, in Alaska. I get to do it at home in Colorado. I need to stop the small thinking. I need to expand my views of God beyond the box I tend to put Him in. I'm so excited to be on this journey to become a midwife.
- Praise produces breakthrough
- I heard this phrase in a worship setting years ago. I do not even remember where I was or who said it, I just remember how those words impacted me and stuck with me. Whenever I am searching for breakthrough in my life, I tend to try and "break through" in my own strength. It is not possible, folks. Every time, without fail, I am drawn back to praising my king, and it is so beautiful. I want to live a life in full devotion to my savior. He is worth all the praise and adoration.
- Lastly, it is okay to not know my next step
- I mentioned earlier that I like to control things. Beyond wanting to control my environment, I also want to control my plans. I want my next step planned. It is rough to be in a place of complete openness to the Holy Spirit and His plans, but He is working on me. So many times, I have made plans and watched them fall through, because His plans are always better than my own. I want to plan so badly. I''m even already planning on going to nursing school, but I know He could change those plans around at any minute. Any you know what, I'm open to that. After all, this life is all for Him.
